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Sunday, February 23, 2014

Kanpur delights

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The Topic
Seriousness is a very serious disease. From that annoying aunty, who’s more concerned about your life than your parents are, to your boss/professor, who’s more punctual than time, we’re all surrounded by people jinki #ConditionSeriousHai. Some seriousness victims take things seriously and the rest are genuinely serious. Blog about your encounter with someone or something jiski #ConditionSeriousHai and ensure that it doesn’t make your readers serious. Because seriousness, well, it’s contagious.

Kanpur delights

Well it’s quite interesting to think about the old days full of mischievousness and people who were part of it, Friends and their amiability and challenges they had enterprises and few other people, who’s irritating style poured crisp into our lives. Luckily I was fated with rich no of people, who were blessed with that kind of charm. The one I’m going to introduce you is bothersome oldy Mr. Katiyar (owner of the house). If you’d like to meet someone (#Jiski condition serious hai) whose sense of humor had been surgically removed then you can pronounce Mr. katiyar as an eligible personality. As the story proceeds, you will know why I said so.
The story started seven years ago, when after completion my matric, I left my home place Rasra for the very first time ever since I was born
 It was a whole of a new world in Kakadeo, Kanpur (13 April 2007). A lot of new places to roam like J.K. Temple, a lot of verities of people to meet. I was there as a paying guest in the KATIYAR’S HOUSE (presently it’s a girls hostel), what resides exactly behind the “Kulwanti Hospital”. Luckily I never got a chance to visit that hospital for any speculative reason.
I was strictly warned from my father (Dr.)
 “I have a friend there in hospital who will keep an eye on you. so don’t roam too much and concentrate on your studies
(The first thing came in my mind was #hindi- ager ek ankh mere upper rakhega to dusri ko kha nutralise krega???)
I guess that was a fine warning. Basically I knew what exactly they want to say 
Don’t roam around girls
These words were the last see off words from Dad. Well it was only second time in whole of my life when my Dad and I had discussed on “girls and relationships of my life”. 
The first one surfaced up when I was in 6th or 7th class. i copied an essay on best friend from my sister’s copy and forgot to change some words.
“It’s hard to find a friend like her. Without her I would not be as happy as I am now. Through good and bad times, I’m positive that forever we will still remain friends. She’s a friend that I could and will never forget”
Everyone their giving me a cute smile, making fun of me on just few simple writing mistakes, but now I can understand why they laughed at me.
Amm..i think that’s not our story
So where was i??
Yes, Mr. katiyar I never bothered to ask his full name ever in those horrible two years in which we annoyed each other beyond the limits of the word ‘immense’
Well the story of katiyar family was a little sad, he lost his loving wife merely a month back, but his all 3 Daughter-in-laws were happy for having no old fatty little dork as their mother-in-law.
When I joined his house the first person I met was none other than Mr. katiyar
Who came up with list of rules and regulation to be followed and latched it all onto me. He kept it doing until I started feeling like my ears are about to bleed,

I said its ok I got it all, don’t you worry Mr. katiyar, I’m assuring you, you won’t get any complain from me.
MERI BAT SUNO…, Mr. katiyar said, exposing his broken front teeth
I not at all a bad guy, trust me, I said innocently.

MERI BAT SUNO…., I don’t allow any other tiffin man/women other than amma ji.
So tell him you don’t need him.

But Mr. katiyar I already have paid him for this month, and its twenty one days still left, and you know better, they don’t return the advance money, I will be in huge loss if I do so.  I narrated him my problem.

MERI BAT SUNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TUM BAS!!! ‘Mr katiyar yelled’. I was bonded to cover my nose to save myself from his acid-breath.
I don’t care about your losses, just tell him I can’t allow him inside the building, what if he will steal something???

Finally after a long debate we decided, our tiffin man won’t come inside, And after twenty days we join amma ji’s tiffin service
Such a loud voice and chafing nature he has. The worst thing he never thought about was his ill-scented breathL. Sometimes it gets tougher to keep your urge of vomiting down.
And I had to swallow some other rules like no friend from outside the building is allowed to walk inside. And you have to get yourself inside before 21:30

OH!!! Dear God please help those innocent girls, who are presently living in that hostel (its 2014 but sadly Mr. katiyar is still alive)

In whole of that discussion I asked some question. I really hate those kind off people who make stupid faces when they don’t understand something and who consequently are making stupid face all the time. Later on I got to know that, that smutty look was in Mr. katiyar’s skin from long ago we met. Maybe because he was 60+ old and he lost his sense of humor.

A month later, in the morning I was in washroom with lights on, with a song on my tongue

“judaa hoke bhi……………
  tu mujhme khi baaki hai………..”

Well here you can get yourself confused. I sincerely require your attention on the situation (on what I was doing and the song) . Have you ever thought about these two lines of the song while you were performing on the toilet seat???? .
Try it some time

I was busy in Putting down all the oily glories I ate. May be my stomach was not happy about amma ji’s creepy tiffin dinner, amma ji was the tiffin supplier in that PG

The door of washroom has crevices from top to the bottom, anyone can see through it if anyone wish so…..
I saw someone peeping from that crevice,
BLOODY HELL!!!!  I’m gonna kill you. Get lost you m@##b%%
My temper was on its extreme. Even if it was Mr. katiyar, he had no right to see me in that situation (#hindi:-hadd hoti hai yar!!!). With a tormenting question, what the hell that person must have seen????, I finished washing myself and rushed to kill that person.
And saw that filthy person’s back, he was dressed with quite smutty undergarments. I witnessed the DARKNESS peeping out from few small visible holes of his underwear, when he turned back and I saw his face. I tried to understand his situation of having a pressure of thousands of Pascal rising from his stomach to his face.
You can walk with a ton of load on your head, BUT!! It’s really tough to walk even a pace carrying a few milligrams material inside your abdomen.
I changed my mind about scolding him, the moment I came out, he rushed into the washroom. The basin was positioned quite close to washroom, from their I heard different kind of song coming out from the washroom
And guess what, I thought my song was better, I washed my hand and came back to my room

Next morning same thing happened.
Again he peeped into the washroom when I was inside dealing with my upset stomach.
I thought changing my time is the best idea. I knew it very well, I can’t avenge it just by doing the same as he did. It was a horrible idea of course. It wasn’t just me to whom Mr. katiiyar had victimizes with peeping thing from the crevice, many other students too had faced the same.
Other PG mates were angry too, for this Mr. katiyar’s act, but room was near to the coaching so no one ever bothered to say anything for sake of comfort. And after all Mr. katiyar is male, So does it matter even If he had seen something???(It was Ranu’s opinion).
In those few months, I had a lot of new friends Neelmani, Sachin, Abhay, Akhil, Ranu.

After a little time:
It’s was a long gloomy week, entangled between mathematical formulas and mating of different atoms inside the test tube. In the abundance of ticks and toks, no other movement was happening  
So Mr. crazy cooper,  Ranu (roommate and his best friend Akhilesh singh planned to show some craftiness to scare other hostlers. They purchased the scary most mask from the Ravemoti (shopping mall).
In the mid night they shrouded their bodies with white cloth. Neelmani (Neel) was walking towards the stairs, and they were waiting on the stairs with the mask on their faces. They already had switched off all the lights to create dark environment. As soon as Neel set his first step, Ranu and Akhil lit the lighter in front of their masked face, his eyes had fallen on the lurking ghosts. Neel’s face endured glimpse of horror, Ranu and Akhilesh laughed devilishly and unlit the lighter.
It was a glance lasted merely a moment long, in which neel witnessed two ghost faces with candle in their hands. With this very hallucinating scene in mind, Neel started shouting “aaaaaaa…..”
And tried to run backward with sweaty face and collided with wall behind him. Somehow neel managed to run away from that place and succeed in saving his life from two deadly ghosts.
Ranu and Akhil found themselves rolling on the floor and laughing. They went to Neel’s room and consoled him and made a lot of fun of him with his roommates.

After discussing a little bit about how scary that was they decided to try that on me. Luckily I was trying to sleep at then, they planned to wake me up scare me. they entered in my room without making any noise and  switched of the tube light first and then Ranu pulled the blanket down like he had seen it in the movies. Neel shook my bed from under the bed. When they thought I’m opening my eyes they lit the lighter and laughed in the same scary manner, which they had tried on Neel and unlit the lighter again. In the very next moment they heard a loud noise of ‘something banging on something’. Even Mr. katiyar heard the loud noise what came up after the bang, form the mouth of Akhil.
Actually I already knew their plan of scaring others, I heard them talking few hours ago, they thought I’m sleeping but I wasn’t. So I was damn sure, they will try that on me, so I was ready for this situation with a fry pan. (I heard how they scared Neel and Neel’s shivering voice.)  When they came for scaring me, I was ready I banged the fry pan on Akhil’s head without counting. No one had clue of what’s going on. Ranu ran towards the switch board and switched on the light to see what happened, they found Akhil lying on the ground, holding his head and moaning slowly oh my god! When Ranu and neel understood what just happened they kept laughing for hours

Neel said “Aur d’rao salo”, well done Roshan, well done.

We tried to soothe the Akhil bedeviled soul.
Yar please just leave it. I’m sorry I shouldn’t hit you that hard on your bloody head’ ‘I said, laughing wickedly’

Akhil stood up and took my blanket and threw it on Ranu and shouted
“maro sale ko, sab iska plan tha”

Well Neel was the first one who started avenging, he started throwing punches fists on Ranu. Akhil snatched the fry pan from my hand and kept hiting Ranu so hard. I got nothing else to hit him with, so I kicked him on his bump with all the power I had.
Next moment silence was running in our gestures. Actually when I kicked him his head collided with wall and started bleeding. Well he stood up somehow and abused everyone. We gave him proper first aid. After all a friend in need is a friend indeed.  During the fight we made too much noise, that was unbearable for Mr. katiyar, so he came in our room (I was the first one who got a cloth for covering my nose)

Don’t you guys know how to live in a house??? Were you people taught any manners in your house?? My family trying to get some sleep.

Sorry Mr. katiyar I squalled.

MERI BAT SUNO ROSHAN… (in the same loud irritating voice), if you want to live here in MY HOUSE then there are rules and discipline , if you can’t follow you should pack your bags and leave the next day, there is no place for such bothersome Brats in my house.

 Akhil was the biggest brat amongst us, ‘he spoke,‘ we are just trying to have some fun Mr. katiyar’
Mr. katiyar slapped him on his face.  And latched the same lecture on rules and social life.

Akhil was a little tempered lad. He pushed him to the wall and grabbed his collar, ‘listen, you fucking old moron’ we are showing patient and respect doesn’t mean we can’t do anything. We are little remorseless when we decide to hurt someone.

Next Day Akhil left the hostel but we didn’t. We don’t believe in avenging in a single moment we stayed to fate Mr. Katiyar an endless torture. Akhil wasn’t that kind of guy I wanna befriend with. So I chose, not to go with him. But still Mr. katiyar had experience of more than 60 years he shouldn’t have acted aggressively. That’s made me think about revenge for our friends insult.

Mr. katiyar were always quite concern from that day about what I’m doing And what not.
There were few others things we did as a start of revenge, we kept a coin in bulb’s socket, and short circuited everything.  And we stole his driving license from his bike and purchased a lot sim cards and spread it to our friends.

With time other things showed up. Corner most room on the ground floor was a cyber café with four computers and one printing machine. Presently it’s an axis bank ATM. Few days later I was inside the café and that was the luckiest day of my life (maybe). An angel in white fur and blue denims walked inside and sat on first computer. I was on the third. I lost my heart that very moment when I saw her first time. I think the best thing happened to me till yet is love. With that owner of hallucinating smile and haunting charm. Sometime I think may be someone just invented language because a radiant beauty like her  deserve to be praised, gorgeous , stunning, ravishing, dazzling, bewitching, Hypnotic these were just those moron words, trying to explain the endless, inestimable beauty.
After seeing her I was in complete position to use these words ‘A thing of beauty is a joy forever, its loveliness increases, it will never pass into nothingness." Never. It wasn’t just her beauty it was whole of her, her beauty and her character drove me crazy.  Something’s never dies, I’m glad, I have something immortal in my heart.
After months of hard work finally someone told me her name “Ankita”.  I was staring at her.
She too did so quite a few times, actually exactly six times from the moment she entered, to when she left

I was staring at prettiest girl I have ever seen and Mr. katiyar were gazing at me.
That was another most irritating habit of Mr. katiyar wherever I go he stares.  Ankita stayed there for almost half an hour and we kept ourselves busy in our staring business. It is immensely irritating if someone with old pesky gesture stare at you and notice your each and every move. So what if I was doing the same, so what if i was staring at his prettiest customer. And it’s not just Ankita whenever he finds me in range of his dim sight the only thing he do is stare.
(#Hindi:- matlab had hoti h yr!!!...yha is bechare boodhe aam  aadmi ki condition to wakai serious hai, akhir chahta kya hai???)Mr. katiyar whenever finds me around Ankita in the café (she often comes their), He always try to pull me out from the café with some excuses
me and Ankita had just two micro-sized communications. The first one came up when she came for having some rediffboll time. (Rediffboll is a chat messenger)
The second one came up about a month later, when she was passing by the same café. And there is hell-long a story, about how I grew crazy for that girl. She had stillness on her face, and how I lost my heart that very moment when I saw her first time. It doesn’t holds much of a necessity here to parcel every bit of story. The only thing I like to share with you gladly is ‘The first day when I set my foot in kakadeo was Ankita’s Birthday, ‘13th April 2007’
Me and Mr. love irritating each other So I decided to avenge it.  Here it wasn’t the case of ‘song’ and washroom, so I can avenge it. I needed to something different this time, and I was running out of ideas. Luckily on last night one of my friends Abhay narayan singh(from unnao)
Challenged me to buy a packet of condom. I have come from a semi-rural area, where purchasing condom was like having a deal with devil.  Didn’t I mention I’m a daring boy?

With stammering and shaking legs and blood throbbing heart in louder pitch. I went to medical shop resides near to Rawatpur Railway crossing and shouted

Can I have a packet of condom please???
That shopkeeper stared at me took a good look of me. Well in looks I was merely 16 year old, sweet little boy. (#Hindi:- Jiski kajraaree ankho pe kudiya fidaa thi.. wo bat aur hai ki kamini mostly sister ki friend thi )
I took matter in my own hands and spoke again
You know it’s for my elder brother…
According to me it was a clarification about I’m not going to use that, I tried to smile with my words. I was kiddish enough not to understand, why the shopkeeper and his friend burst into laughter. Finally he stood up and moved to the place where he kept condoms, and I thought he is trying to come out for catching me for handing me over to police for such a heinous crime of purchasing condoms.
My legs were still shaking at it max. I was ready to run as I was warned from Ranu
Don’t get caught, and when the shopkeepers comes after you, run faster and don’t come to us,
Abhay and my roommate Ranu were watching from so for, from a safe distance.
For few seconds shopkeeper didn’t moved from his place and in the very next moment, I was feeling happy when shopkeeper returned me 25 bucks from 100 with packet of condom.
Until that moment of my life I never knew the meaning of feeling really really awkward BUT!!!! Finally, I won the battle.
I DID IT ….for the very first time in my life. In Purchasing a condom when you are not going to use it and having first sex encounter each and every steps are always creates huge awkwardness.
Well finally, to become even with Mr. katiyar we planned to put condoms on the corners of the floors where Mr. katiyar and his family lives. (Three sons and their wives, few grandsons)
As we had planned, condoms were kept. one at balcony, one on the top floor, sadly none of my friends have ever touched condom till then and they had no other use of it other than throwing it away (unused), so we planned all this. And on the holy next day we enjoyed the scolding time of Mr. katiyar to their honorable sons
Well I wanted to let Mr. katiyar know how much i hate people who complain loudly about how embarrassed they are
Another few irritating charms Mr. katiyar own are as follows:
: As every other annoying house owner Mr. katiyar too had that thing of started shouting for room rent form three four days before the month starts

Well there are a lot of stories that could be told, allow me to share a few of them
Mr. katiyars room was on the ground floor and there was a common door for connecting our rooms from inside from where we can easily hear even if his nose roars loudly. One day when we all were on our bed, ready to sleep, suddenly we heard unconditioned sounds that appeared to be coming from Mr. katiyars ass. my roommate fall from his bed, laughing madly.  That day we got know it’s not just Mr. katiyars ‘nose’ what roars loudly
And one morning Mr. katiyar’s sons were shouting on him, on eavesdropping a little bit we got to know he peed in his cyber café on his printing machine after getting madly drunk on last night.
He often call me for helping with printing out stuff even when he knows I don’t know how to do all this but still I use to spend a little time every day in café with a hope that Ankita will come here again, and I was a little organized person I paid Mr. katiyars grandson some cash and kind just for informing me, if by chance she show up here in the cafe.
Once Mr. katiyar scolded one of my friends for nothing, actually after sixty anyone can go crazy, and we were not “let it go type boys”, we never was.
For avenging it we stick the i-candies (pictures of hot beauties with bare bodies, bikini babes) on outer surface of our balcony, it was quite a scene next day students gathered and laughed showed their giggles finally when Mr. katiyars saw that he took another class and told us to find room somewhere else. he can’t handle us, Nothing happened we stayed there as long as we wished.
: Mr. katiyar whenever comes downstairs with his pet, he lift the doggy up with the string looped around his neck, just because it’s tough to stop him from sniffing everything, it’s always sounds like
“He hanged his pet still he is not dead as YET!! Somehow,  but someday he will be”.
On behalf of the dog we tried to tease Mr. katiyar and here we did something pun intended.
We wrote a letter to him, the letter was from his dead wife who died few months back,

    Dearest husband,
                               I had an eye on you, from the moment i came here. You have wasted enough time torturing kakadeo’s Innocent girls and boy’s. I have everything checked. Hell is so beautiful and everything is prepared so well for your arrival. Come soon
P.S. surely it’s hot down here.
                                                                                                  Love and regrets
                                                                                                Deepu’s mom

                                                   katiyar house(kanpur)

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