Friday, January 9, 2015
Labels: off beat: personal
Posted by Roshan Yadaw at 5:02 AM
I was high on weed, I wanted to write a poetry for her, to express how much I love her and as a starting line I quill-ed three simple words and felt it deeply. And the ardent pleasantness dulled my senses, a smile ran over my face. The joy of being in starry heaven over warmed me.In starting I dipped my pleasantness in smoke and nibbled it.And there I started drowning, and kept drowning for a very long time in the strength of that believe.
"I love you" yes I surely do”.
It didn't take very long time, The Believe kept pinching me and I cried.Tears found them self loosing there track in my hazy beard and again my lips formed the same words.
“Yes sweet heart I love you".
With these thoughts and pleasantness,I didn't know when I fall asleep, but the video in my mind was the same.I was there with her crying for her, and she was there too. Trying to convince me that she is right there with my hand in hers with her usual haunting smile on her face.
She asked me if I’d like to join her for a walk.I laughed in tears and told her I’m dying to walk with you.
This is one of those things I can do for whole my life.And there was my first walk with her, it was like a dream come true.I didn't even realize that I’m in a dream
We walked together, she specially notified that she has my hand in hers from last few minutes, she knew merely holding my hand will fetch me all the happiness in the world. It wouldn't be a shock if I’ll die after knowing that she is holding my hand.
I filled our conversation with smile, I did everything I could to make her smile and I succeeded she laughed madly on my gesture and stupidity and told me “you are stupid Roshan”. And trust me it did sound extremely romantic. I still can hear it echoing in my head.
We danced like there is no one else other than our madness and love. I asked her if she can say it in words what exactly she thinks who we are and what we are.
She said "we are Shadows made of love". I sighed!!!
Are we made of same material??? I asked stupidly. And there she burst into laughter, such divine moment it was.
“Yes” I read the answer in her laughter. And felt glad about it “At least we have something in common”
She smiled but it was full of emotional values like she understand me. She knows that I’m mad for her, and it will destroy me if she won’t be with me. She knows what I want to hear. But she didn't say those words.
We stayed still for a little long I kept looking into her eyes, it was whole of a new life there, and she knows I wasn't looking at its beauty. I was looking for me, if there is an image of mine too.
A few word fell from her mouth to slice me down."Longer you stay harder it will be to leave, or to live"
I told her that I don't want to date her, i want to be with her,...... I want to marry her, have a family with her, and I can be here at this same place for rest of the eternity, holding your hand, if that is all it take for our togetherness.And when she heard me her face was quite like a grave, my face was like a grave of someone who is still alive inside it. Someone who wants to shout, express what it is, pinching him from an eternity
Now we should get back to our real self, let’s go Back Roshan"
"No Please, a few minutes more...please" I begged.
You have to go Roshan, to fix your life,if you stay here you'll go insane.
"I’m OK with it" I said. I’ll love to go insane if that is the cost of being with you.
NO I don't want to destroy someone’s life please try to understand me...go back
You want me to go back in a world where your heart full of immense hatred for me??
"Yes" she said in a harsh tone” Go back there, find me tell me that you love me. Try to make me feel something for you or understand you.
"Like that is going to be easy"... I thought
I tucked her hair behind her ear, and smiled, a tear drop trembled down from my eyes.
“I wanted to do this from a very long time” I tried to laugh like mad man. I was expecting her to blush but she didn't. She just smiled simply, her each smile was like an eternal pleasure for me.
“You’re like sweet little kid” she laughed
“Now it’s time to go back Roshan” I remain silent for a moment.
"OK I’ll go back, and find you and tell you and I'm whatever I'm is because of you. I found new places while I was chasing a butterfly whose wings had same color as your eyes and while I was there wandering in grievance because you abandoned me. That butterfly looked at me and then flew away in search of another flower less psycho or horrible than me, just like you did every time. I still wander some times in search of that butterfly.
She didn't say anything, just kept looking at me.
You know people think I'm mad when they see I'm talking to you, or to your shadow while I’m on the road going to nowhere or to the tea shop, they can't see you everywhere and in everything.
She laughed politely.
"I don’t want to go where I can't even see you are talk to you."
She kept smiling moved toward me gently and dropped a sweet and never lasting kiss on my fore head.
Trust me I wanted to die right there at that moment cause the happiness i felt at that point in time was unbearable.
"I have a solution for you Roshan"Go there in the world of mortal beings. Find me,
I know future is uncertain but if you endeavor to find me, someday you will succeed.
Every time she calls my name I want to pause that moment and rewind it for a thousand times
Just to hear it and look at her lips while she pronounce my name
She holds both of my hands with her's, looked straight in to my wet eyes and says.
"Promise me Roshan, promise me that you will find me"and express to me that you're madly in love with me,doesn't matter even if I try to kill you or have you thrown out from my College again when you come searching for me there.
"Promise me you will never give up on me, promise me" She waited for my reply.
I cried again and this time I cried loudly, I hadn't had anything else in my mind at then, she saw me, she heard me and she hugged me. She kept her head on my shoulder, I hugged her tight like I don’t intend to let her go away. I was unable to feel my weight in that moment of time. Unintentionally I cried more and more. I cried in her arms, she cried in mine.
Fate is such a distaste-full thing isn't it Roshan?? She asked.
"Yes it is"..I tried to laugh.
You know,“you can come back here until you don't find me there"I'm always here for you. I’ll always be here, waiting for you.
i woke up found my pillow wet....wiped my tears, and realized"what a beautiful dream it was".
And I still chase that butterfly until it vanishes in thin air like it was just a whim.