Sunday, February 23, 2014
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off beat: personal
Kanpur delights
The Topic
Seriousness is a very serious disease. From that annoying aunty, who’s more concerned about your life than your parents are, to your boss/professor, who’s more punctual than time, we’re all surrounded by people jinki #ConditionSeriousHai. Some seriousness victims take things seriously and the rest are genuinely serious. Blog about your encounter with someone or something jiski #ConditionSeriousHai and ensure that it doesn’t make your readers serious. Because seriousness, well, it’s contagious.
Kanpur delights
Well it’s quite interesting to think about the old days full
of mischievousness and people who were part of it, Friends and their amiability
and challenges they had enterprises and few other people, who’s irritating style
poured crisp into our lives. Luckily I was fated with rich no of people, who
were blessed with that kind of charm. The one I’m going to introduce you is
bothersome oldy Mr. Katiyar (owner of the house). If you’d like to meet someone
(#Jiski condition serious hai) whose sense of humor had been surgically removed
then you can pronounce Mr. katiyar as an eligible personality. As the story proceeds,
you will know why I said so.
The story started seven years ago, when after completion my
matric, I left my home place Rasra for the very first time ever since I was
born
It was a whole of a
new world in Kakadeo, Kanpur (13 April 2007). A lot of new places to roam like
J.K. Temple, a lot of verities of people to meet. I was there as a paying guest
in the KATIYAR’S HOUSE (presently it’s a girls hostel), what resides exactly
behind the “Kulwanti Hospital”. Luckily I never got a chance to visit that
hospital for any speculative reason.
I was strictly warned from my father (Dr.)
“I have a friend there in hospital who will keep an eye on you. so don’t
roam too much and concentrate on your studies”
(The first thing came in my mind was #hindi- ager ek ankh
mere upper rakhega to dusri ko kha nutralise krega???)
I guess that was a fine warning. Basically I knew what exactly
they want to say
“Don’t roam around
girls”
These words were the last see off words from Dad. Well it was
only second time in whole of my life when my Dad and I had discussed on “girls
and relationships of my life”.
The first one surfaced up when I was in 6th or 7th
class. i copied an essay on best friend from my sister’s copy and forgot to
change some words.
“It’s hard to find a friend like her.
Without her I would not be as happy as I am now. Through good and bad times,
I’m positive that forever we will still remain friends. She’s a friend that I
could and will never forget”
Everyone
their giving me a cute smile, making fun of me on just few simple writing mistakes,
but now I can understand why they laughed at me.
Amm..i think that’s not our story
So where was i??
Yes, Mr. katiyar I never bothered to ask his full name ever
in those horrible two years in which we annoyed each other beyond the limits of
the word ‘immense’
Well the story of katiyar family was a little sad, he lost
his loving wife merely a month back, but his all 3 Daughter-in-laws were happy
for having no old fatty little dork as their mother-in-law.
When I joined his
house the first person I met was none other than Mr. katiyar
Who came up with list
of rules and regulation to be followed and latched it all onto me. He kept it
doing until I started feeling like my ears are about to bleed,
I said its ok I got it all, don’t you worry Mr.
katiyar, I’m assuring you, you won’t get any complain from me.
MERI BAT SUNO…, Mr. katiyar said, exposing his broken front
teeth
I not at all a bad guy, trust me, I said innocently.
MERI BAT SUNO…., I don’t allow any other tiffin man/women
other than amma ji.
So tell him you don’t need him.
But Mr. katiyar I already have paid him for this month, and
its twenty one days still left, and you know better, they don’t return the
advance money, I will be in huge loss if I do so. I narrated him my problem.
MERI BAT SUNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TUM BAS!!! ‘Mr katiyar yelled’.
I was bonded to cover my nose to save myself from his acid-breath.
I don’t care about your losses, just tell him I can’t allow him
inside the building, what if he will steal something???
Finally after a long
debate we decided, our tiffin man won’t come inside, And after twenty days we
join amma ji’s tiffin service
Such a loud voice and
chafing nature he has. The worst thing he never thought about was his
ill-scented breathL. Sometimes it gets tougher to keep your urge of vomiting
down.
And I had to swallow
some other rules like no friend from outside the building is allowed to walk
inside. And you have to get yourself inside before 21:30
OH!!! Dear God please help those innocent girls, who are
presently living in that hostel (its 2014 but sadly Mr. katiyar is still alive)
In whole of that discussion I asked some question. I really
hate those kind off people who make stupid faces when they don’t understand
something and who consequently are making stupid face all the time. Later on I
got to know that, that smutty look was in Mr. katiyar’s skin from long ago we
met. Maybe because he was 60+ old and he lost his sense of humor.
A month later, in the
morning I was in washroom with lights on, with a song on my tongue
“judaa hoke bhi……………
tu mujhme khi baaki hai………..”
Well here you can get
yourself confused. I sincerely require your attention on the situation (on what
I was doing and the song) . Have you ever thought about these two lines of the
song while you were performing on the toilet seat???? .
Try it some time
I was busy in Putting down all the oily glories I ate. May be
my stomach was not happy about amma ji’s creepy tiffin dinner, amma ji was the
tiffin supplier in that PG
The door of washroom has crevices from top to the bottom, anyone
can see through it if anyone wish so…..
I saw someone peeping from that crevice,
BLOODY HELL!!!! I’m gonna kill you. Get
lost you m@##b%%
My temper was on its extreme. Even if it was Mr. katiyar, he
had no right to see me in that situation (#hindi:-hadd hoti hai yar!!!). With a
tormenting question, what the hell that person must have seen????, I finished
washing myself and rushed to kill that person.
And saw that filthy person’s back, he was dressed with quite
smutty undergarments. I witnessed the DARKNESS peeping out from few small
visible holes of his underwear, when he
turned back and I saw his face. I tried to understand his situation of having a
pressure of thousands of Pascal rising from his stomach to his face.
You can walk with a ton of load on your head, BUT!! It’s really
tough to walk even a pace carrying a few milligrams material inside your
abdomen.
I changed my mind about scolding him,
the moment I came out, he rushed into the washroom. The basin was
positioned quite close to washroom, from their I heard different kind of song
coming out from the washroom
And guess what, I thought my song was better, I washed my
hand and came back to my room
Next morning same thing happened.
Again he peeped into the washroom when I was inside dealing
with my upset stomach.
I thought changing my time is the best idea. I knew it very
well, I can’t avenge it just by doing the same as he did. It was a horrible
idea of course. It wasn’t just me to whom Mr. katiiyar had victimizes with
peeping thing from the crevice, many other students too had faced the same.
Other PG mates were angry too, for this Mr. katiyar’s act,
but room was near to the coaching so no one ever bothered to say anything for
sake of comfort. And after all Mr. katiyar is male, So does it matter even If
he had seen something???(It was Ranu’s opinion).
In those few months, I
had a lot of new friends Neelmani, Sachin, Abhay, Akhil, Ranu.
After a little time:
It’s was a long gloomy
week, entangled between mathematical formulas and mating of different atoms
inside the test tube. In the abundance of ticks and toks, no other movement was
happening
So Mr. crazy cooper, Ranu (roommate and his best friend Akhilesh
singh planned to show some craftiness to scare other hostlers. They purchased
the scary most mask from the Ravemoti (shopping mall).
In the mid night they shrouded their
bodies with white cloth. Neelmani (Neel) was walking towards the stairs, and
they were waiting on the stairs with the mask on their faces. They already had
switched off all the lights to create dark environment. As soon as Neel set his
first step, Ranu and Akhil lit the lighter in front of their masked face,
his eyes had fallen on the lurking ghosts. Neel’s face endured glimpse of horror,
Ranu and Akhilesh laughed devilishly and unlit the lighter.
It was a glance lasted
merely a moment long, in which neel witnessed two ghost faces with candle in their
hands. With this very hallucinating scene in mind, Neel started shouting
“aaaaaaa…..”
And tried to run
backward with sweaty face and collided with wall behind him. Somehow neel managed to run away from that place
and succeed in saving his life from two deadly ghosts.
Ranu and Akhil found themselves
rolling on the floor and laughing. They went to Neel’s room and consoled him
and made a lot of fun of him with his roommates.
After discussing a
little bit about how scary that was they decided to try that on me. Luckily I
was trying to sleep at then, they planned to wake me up scare me. they entered in my room without making any noise and switched of the
tube light first and then Ranu pulled the blanket down like he had seen it in
the movies. Neel shook my bed from under the bed. When they thought I’m opening
my eyes they lit the lighter and laughed in the same scary manner, which they
had tried on Neel and unlit the lighter again. In the very next moment they
heard a loud noise of ‘something banging on something’. Even Mr. katiyar heard
the loud noise what came up after the bang, form the mouth of Akhil.
Actually I already knew their
plan of scaring others, I heard them talking few hours ago, they thought I’m sleeping
but I wasn’t. So I was damn sure, they will try that on me, so I was ready for this
situation with a fry pan. (I heard how they scared Neel and Neel’s shivering
voice.) When they came for scaring me, I
was ready I banged the fry pan on Akhil’s head without counting. No one had
clue of what’s going on. Ranu ran towards the switch board and switched on the light
to see what happened, they found Akhil lying on the ground, holding his head
and moaning slowly oh my god! When Ranu and neel understood what just happened
they kept laughing for hours
Neel said “Aur d’rao salo”, well done Roshan, well
done.
We tried to soothe the
Akhil bedeviled soul.
Yar please just leave it. I’m sorry I shouldn’t hit you that
hard on your bloody head’ ‘I said, laughing wickedly’
Akhil stood up and
took my blanket and threw it on Ranu and shouted
“maro sale ko, sab
iska plan tha”
Well Neel was the
first one who started avenging, he started throwing punches fists on Ranu.
Akhil snatched the fry pan from my hand and kept hiting Ranu so hard. I got
nothing else to hit him with, so I kicked him on his bump with all the power I
had.
Next moment silence
was running in our gestures. Actually when I kicked him his head collided with
wall and started bleeding. Well he stood up somehow and abused everyone. We gave
him proper first aid. After all a friend in need is a friend indeed. During the fight we made too much noise, that
was unbearable for Mr. katiyar, so he came in our room (I was the first one who
got a cloth for covering my nose)
Don’t you guys know how to live in a house??? Were you people
taught any manners in your house?? My family trying to get some sleep.
Sorry Mr. katiyar I
squalled.
MERI BAT SUNO ROSHAN… (in the same loud irritating voice), if you want to live
here in MY HOUSE then there are rules
and discipline , if you can’t follow you should pack your bags and leave the
next day, there is no place for such bothersome Brats in my house.
Akhil was the biggest brat amongst us, ‘he
spoke,‘ we are just trying to have some fun Mr. katiyar’
Mr. katiyar slapped
him on his face. And latched the same
lecture on rules and social life.
Akhil was a little
tempered lad. He pushed him to the wall and grabbed his collar, ‘listen, you fucking old moron’ we are
showing patient and respect doesn’t mean we can’t do anything. We are little
remorseless when we decide to hurt someone.
Next Day Akhil left the hostel but we didn’t. We don’t
believe in avenging in a single moment we stayed to fate Mr. Katiyar an endless
torture. Akhil wasn’t
that kind of guy I wanna befriend with. So I chose, not to go with him. But
still Mr. katiyar had experience of more than 60 years he shouldn’t have acted
aggressively. That’s made me think about revenge for our friends insult.
Mr. katiyar were
always quite concern from that day about what I’m doing And what not.
There were few others
things we did as a start of revenge, we kept a coin in bulb’s socket, and short
circuited everything. And we stole his
driving license from his bike and purchased a lot sim cards and spread it to
our friends.
With time other things showed up.
Corner most room on the ground floor was a cyber café with four
computers and one printing machine. Presently it’s an axis bank ATM. Few days
later I was inside the café and that was the luckiest day of my life (maybe).
An angel in white fur and blue denims walked inside and sat on first computer. I
was on the third. I lost my heart that
very moment when I saw her first time. I think the best thing happened to me
till yet is love. With that owner of hallucinating smile and haunting charm. Sometime
I think may be someone just invented language because a radiant beauty like
her deserve to be praised, gorgeous ,
stunning, ravishing, dazzling, bewitching, Hypnotic these
were just those moron words, trying to explain the endless, inestimable beauty.
After
seeing her I was in complete position to use these words ‘A thing of beauty is
a joy forever, its loveliness increases, it will never pass into
nothingness." Never. It wasn’t just her beauty it was whole of her, her
beauty and her character drove me crazy.
Something’s never dies, I’m glad, I have something immortal in my heart.
After months of hard
work finally someone told me her name “Ankita”. I was staring at her.
She too did so quite a
few times, actually exactly six times from the moment she entered, to when she
left
I was staring at
prettiest girl I have ever seen and Mr. katiyar were gazing at me.
That was another most
irritating habit of Mr. katiyar wherever I go he stares. Ankita stayed there for almost half an hour
and we kept ourselves busy in our staring business. It is immensely irritating
if someone with old pesky gesture stare at you and notice your each and every
move. So what if I was doing the same, so what if i was staring at his
prettiest customer. And it’s not just Ankita whenever he finds me in range of
his dim sight the only thing he do is stare.
(#Hindi:- matlab had hoti h yr!!!...yha is bechare boodhe aam
aadmi ki condition to wakai serious hai,
akhir chahta kya hai???)Mr. katiyar whenever finds me around Ankita in the café
(she often comes their), He always try to pull me out from the café with some
excuses
me and Ankita had just
two micro-sized communications. The first
one came up when she came for having some rediffboll time. (Rediffboll is a chat messenger)
The second one came up about
a month later, when she was passing by the same café.
And there is hell-long a story, about how I grew crazy for that girl. She
had stillness on her face, and how I lost my heart that very moment when I saw
her first time. It doesn’t holds much of a necessity here to parcel every bit
of story. The only thing I like to share with you gladly is ‘The first day when
I set my foot in kakadeo was Ankita’s Birthday, ‘13th April 2007’
Me and Mr. love irritating
each other So I decided to avenge it. Here
it wasn’t the case of ‘song’ and washroom, so I can avenge it. I needed to
something different this time, and I was running out of ideas. Luckily on last
night one of my friends Abhay narayan singh(from unnao)
Challenged me to buy a
packet of condom. I have come from a semi-rural area, where purchasing condom
was like having a deal with devil. Didn’t
I mention I’m a daring boy?
With stammering and shaking legs and
blood throbbing heart in louder pitch. I went to medical shop resides near to Rawatpur
Railway crossing and shouted
Can I have a packet of
condom please???
That shopkeeper stared at me took a good look of me. Well in
looks I was merely 16 year old, sweet little boy. (#Hindi:- Jiski kajraaree
ankho pe kudiya fidaa thi.. wo bat aur hai ki kamini mostly sister ki friend
thi )
I took matter in my own hands and spoke again
You know it’s for my
elder brother…
According to me it was a clarification about I’m not going to
use that, I tried to smile with my words. I was kiddish enough not to
understand, why the shopkeeper and his friend burst into laughter. Finally he stood
up and moved to the place where he kept condoms, and I thought he is trying to
come out for catching me for handing me over to police for such a heinous crime of
purchasing condoms.
My legs were still shaking at it max. I was ready to run as I
was warned from Ranu
Don’t get caught, and
when the shopkeepers comes after you, run faster and don’t come to us,
Abhay and my roommate Ranu were watching from so for, from a
safe distance.
For few seconds shopkeeper didn’t moved from his place and in
the very next moment, I was feeling happy when shopkeeper returned me 25 bucks
from 100 with packet of condom.
Until that moment of my life I never knew the meaning of
feeling really really awkward BUT!!!! Finally, I won the battle.
I DID IT ….for the very first time in my life. In
Purchasing a condom when you are not going to use it and having first sex
encounter each and every steps are always creates huge awkwardness.
Well finally, to become even with Mr. katiyar we planned to
put condoms on the corners of the floors where Mr. katiyar and his family lives.
(Three sons and their wives, few grandsons)
As we had planned, condoms were kept. one at balcony, one on
the top floor, sadly none of my friends have ever touched condom till then and
they had no other use of it other than throwing it away (unused), so we planned
all this. And on the holy next day we enjoyed the scolding time of Mr. katiyar to
their honorable sons
Well I wanted to let Mr. katiyar know how much i hate people
who complain loudly about how embarrassed they are
Another few irritating charms Mr. katiyar own are as follows:
: As every other annoying house owner Mr. katiyar too had
that thing of started shouting for room rent form three four days before the
month starts
Well there are a lot of stories that could be told, allow me
to share a few of them
Mr. katiyars room was on the ground floor and there was a
common door for connecting our rooms from inside from where we can easily hear even if his nose roars loudly. One day when we all were on our bed, ready to
sleep, suddenly we heard unconditioned sounds that appeared to be coming from
Mr. katiyars ass. my roommate fall from his bed, laughing madly. That day we
got know it’s not just Mr. katiyars ‘nose’ what roars loudly
And one morning Mr. katiyar’s sons were shouting on him, on
eavesdropping a little bit we got to know he peed in his cyber café on his
printing machine after getting madly drunk on last night.
He often call me for helping with printing out stuff even when he
knows I don’t know how to do all this but still I use to spend a little time
every day in café with a hope that Ankita will come here again, and I was a
little organized person I paid Mr. katiyars grandson some cash and kind just
for informing me, if by chance she show up here in the cafe.
Once Mr. katiyar scolded one of my friends for nothing,
actually after sixty anyone can go crazy, and we were not “let it go type boys”, we never was.
For avenging it we stick the i-candies (pictures of hot
beauties with bare bodies, bikini babes) on outer surface of our balcony, it
was quite a scene next day students gathered and laughed showed their giggles
finally when Mr. katiyars saw that he took another class and told us to find
room somewhere else. he can’t handle us, Nothing happened we stayed there as
long as we wished.
: Mr. katiyar whenever comes downstairs with his pet, he lift
the doggy up with the string looped around his neck, just because it’s tough to
stop him from sniffing everything, it’s always sounds like
“He hanged his pet still he is not dead as YET!! Somehow, but someday he will be”.
On behalf of the dog we tried to tease Mr. katiyar and here we did something pun intended.
We wrote a letter to him, the letter was from his dead wife
who died few months back,
Dearest husband,
I had an eye on
you, from the moment i came here. You have wasted enough time torturing
kakadeo’s Innocent girls and boy’s. I have everything checked. Hell is so
beautiful and everything is prepared so well for your arrival. Come soon
P.S. surely it’s hot down here.
Love and regrets
Deepu’s mom
katiyar house(kanpur)
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